You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
