Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
