Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
