his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
