Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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