I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
foreskin is a definite game changer
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
