i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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