I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
