So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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