thus making me awesome and them whores
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
