Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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