I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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