I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
