Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
