does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Houston, we have a blender
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
