all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
