you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
