The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
