nut hugger
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Another day, another engagement, another cat
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize