i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
are you so shy because you have an std?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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