i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
