Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
