is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
