what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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