i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
