That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
