if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I FOUND THE LEGS
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
