I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
