My first STD was from a foam party
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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