It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
