I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
