if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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