he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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