I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
