Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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