I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
