She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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