Princesses don't give blow jobs
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
