Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
