just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
