I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
