I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
