Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
