i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
