Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
