I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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