upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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