Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
