Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
