My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
