when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
In America we eat man semen.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
