You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
