this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize