Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
