Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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