They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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