My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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