Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize