Can i not drive my cunt home
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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