turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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