why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
this is an emotional support booty call
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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