Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
